You Gave Me Life (Phan)
by TheGirlProdigy
Summary: Dan is dying in 2007. Emotionally. Mentally. He's lost purpose. He has no will to live, so he's not living anymore. He finds Phil in 2008. Phil takes away the fuzziness. He makes life clearer. He brings purpose back to Dan's life. He meets Phil in 2009. He makes him laugh like no one ever has before. The questioning thoughts go away. He finds a voice.
1. 2007

I started dying when I was sixteen.

Not of some terminal illness or something like that.

I started dying emotionally. I, simply, lost my will to live. I didn't want to die, necessarily, but life seemed unappealing, I suppose. I was caught in limbo, unsure of exactly how I felt about the scheme of anything. That's when I started to die.

My brain was being worn down by everything, by the prospects of having to go on in the state I was in. I could feel my head going numb, and I knew it in my heart I couldn't go on the way I was, surely. Something would take me early; Time would realize I was a mistake and erase me from existence.

This was of little concern to me, however. After all, who would mourn? My mother and father, perhaps. My brother. No one else came to mind. There wouldn't be dry eyes, certainly, but they wouldn't be not dry for long. No actual grieving.

So, instead I focused my time on going to school, to work, home, then back again the next morning. I found myself in my room more than ever, wishing my life away, tracing with my fingers the pencil lines I had made as a child on the walls, the television on in the background, noise to drown out my persistent thoughts of mistaken existence and worthlessness.

I started spending more time online, as well, clicking and clicking anything I could find to mute the buzzing in my head. I found other things to listen to; people, stories, adventures. Things that were meant to exist. Things that mattered. People listened to them. They were noticed. I noticed them.

I fell into the endless amounts of videos and people and videos and people until the buzzing in my head went silent. Then, I would go to bed; sleep, school, work, home. Again. The buzzing persisted until I silenced it, once again, videos and people.

I went on and on and on, until one night, the buzzing did not go away. The screaming thoughts did not silence.

I was seventeen. I was almost dead.


	2. 2008

I found him. AmazingPhil. YouTuber extraordinaire.

A week after my seventeenth birthday, I found Phil.

He was everything I wanted to be, he liked everything I liked, and he had this certain air of confidence around him.

I could see it in his face. I could read him. He had to build himself up. He had been beaten down, but he had overcame. I could just tell. He was it. He was everything.

He made the buzzing go away again. For good.

The emptiness in my chest and the occasional screaming thoughts persisted still, however, I felt as though for once, in an entire year, perhaps I had a chance of surviving Time's plot to get me. Maybe I wasn't worthless. Phil was so much like me; how could I be worthless if I had any piece of him inside me?

Yet, he was so much more. Maybe I was still worthless.. but that's not the point.

I spent practically a whole week in my room after my birthday; candy wrappers and dirty dishes piled up around me. I only came out of my room to go to work, use the bathroom, and get more food. By the end of the week, I had seen every video AmazingPhil had to offer. Most I had seen two and three times. The first I had watched the most.

I couldn't rip my eyes away from the screen, watching Phil, fresh and new and awkward, metamorphosize into something still fresh, not quite as new, and still somewhat awkward. The screen burned into my eyes, so I could see his face even when I closed them.

I laughed, eyes closed, listening to the first video again, his northern accent ringing into my ears, picturing every move.

"Daniel? Honey, don't you want to come out and spend some time with us? I haven't seen you all week."

"Mum, I'm a tad busy." I didn't open my eyes or pause the video. I was scared the buzzing would persist; plus, I didn't want to miss a word.

I heard the door open, footsteps crossing the room, and the click of a mouse. "Mum!" My eyes snapped open. There she stood, one arm on her hip, the other tapping its fingers on my desk.

"Daniel, you know I'm not one to force you to spend time with us."

"I know, Mum, so don't." I shifted uncomfortably, moving my eyes back from the screen to her face.

"Dan, I just," she rubbed the sides of her nose, on the spots where her glasses usually sat, "I don't understand what's gotten into you. Why you're so wrapped up in these videos. You rarely come out of your room lately, this last week especially." She sighed and sat down on the bed, and I swiveled the chair to face her. "Is there something wrong?"

I frowned at her a second, trying to come up with some kind of response that won't make her worry. "I'm sorry Mum. I just feel like going to university soon is going to take away all my opportunity to be lazy like this, you know? I know it's two years off still, but it's kind of... impending."

She nodded her special way, like she understood completely, and I breathed a sigh of relief. "If you say so, Daniel. Just... spend some time with us, too, alright? Uni will take some of that away, too. Your brother, father, and I are planning on playing Monopoly tonight, if you want to join us." She stood and ruffled my hair before waving and closing the door behind her.

"Alright, Mum." I mumbled. I turned back to see Phil's face, smiling brightly. I smiled back and pressed play.

The next day I had work, nine to two. After work, I found Mum sitting on the couch, staring at the wall. My brother was attending summer school, and my dad had work, so she usually occupied herself during the day, cleaning or shopping or watching soaps. What was she doing?

"Mum?" I closed the door behind me, snapping her out of her daydreaming.

"Daniel,"

"What are you doing? Are you okay?" I stood at the door, slightly nervous. The look on her face had me worried, like something was wrong.

"Dan... sit down." Slowly, I crossed the room, holding eye contact, and sank down into the couch. "Dan, honey, I'm going to ask you a very- strange question."

"Alright." I could feel my heart rise into my throat. I hadn't done anything wrong recently, had I? Why was I so worried?

"I want you to answer me honestly, Daniel. I love you no matter what, I'll just be very, very disappointed. Which, really, is a stretch. I'm rarely disappointed in you."

"Alright, Mum, what is it?" My heart started pounding, filling my ears.

"Dan, are you-" she shifted uncomfortably. "I've just been thinking about how you've been watching those videos so often, and you seem really intrigued by that one boy-"

"AmazingPhil?"

"Yes, AmazingPhil. I just can't help but wonder..."

"Mum, are you insinuating I'm gay?" The pounding was unbearable; I could feel my face turn hot. How long was this conversation going to last?

"Well, or bisexual, or whatever they call it."

"No, Mum. I very much like girls. Only girls." I swallowed thickly, remembering back to the one time I almost lost my virginity to Mary Anne Helm freshman year. (I chickened out, of course.) Was that far back enough to use as leverage and not get in trouble for? Wait, God, what am I thinking? There's no argument. I like girls.

Mum nodded, not completely convinced, I could tell, but somewhat satisfied. "Are you sure, Daniel?"

I nodded profusely. "Yes, Mum. The thought of- that- is just gross to me, honestly." I lied, partially. It wasn't necessarily off putting, but anything was okay to get her off my back.

She nodded again, satisfied, and smiled brightly at me, patting my knee.

Heading back to my room, I decided it would be best if I only watched his videos when he uploaded. Just to set my mum's mind at ease.

I sat on my bed all night, scrolling through Phil's MySpace instead. I almost messaged a few times, but I couldn't get the nerve built up to hit the send button. My hands shook as I deleted each message I wrote.

Why would he even message back? He was the most special person I'd ever seen. He was filled with life and vibrancy and humor and creativity. He was living; the idea of Life itself filled him and spilled over. He was on fire, blazing and beautiful, not going out.

I was none of those things. I was dying. I was the certain idea of Death. The child of Time and destructive thought. I was not on fire.


	3. 2009

On February 10th, 2009, AmazingPhil uploaded a video titled Robot Death Machine. I had just come home from school, and when I refreshed his constantly open YouTube account, I could feel my heart skip a beat at the sight of a new video. Quickly, I clicked on it. It was the usual goofy Phil, describing his life that was significantly more interesting than mine.

When he announced he was going to read his future, I giggled, but I could feel my heart start speeding up. Calm down, Dan. God, that's not that exciting. Those things aren't accurate anyway. Just some pieces of cardboard.

"So some guy is gonna have a big impact: an energetic warrior. He has a hasty personality, and he's very quick to love or hate. Hm. Interesting."

My heart stopped in my chest. I couldn't help but slap my hand over my mouth and keep it there for the rest of the video.

"I'm gonna go change the world in ways you could not believe." He smiled and waved. "Bye!"

I clicked the X at the top of the page for the first time in months, completely closing out of his account, closing what had become my life since I had turned seventeen.

I, all of a sudden, felt tremendously better. A weight seemed to be completely removed from my shoulders and the murmurs in my head stopped immediately.

I tried telling myself what I was thinking was ridiculous. They're just cards, some pieces of cardboard and paint. They couldn't be accurate, and even if they were, they couldn't be talking about me.

I concluded my thoughts of hopefulness were just wishful thinking.

But if those cards were right, like hell if I was going to let some other hasty, energetic warrior beat me to Phil. Me? A warrior...

Thinking back on the past year and a half, I realized how much I had fought, and how much Phil had helped me fight. I reached up to brush my hair out of my eyes. My hand met tears.

Oh God, Dan, just pull yourself together. Think about Phil or something. Phil- that's right.

Like hell someone's going to beat me to Phil.

As quickly as I could, I pulled up MySpace, logged in and saw Phil's latest post about his new video. I smiled and commented.

Great video! I'm looking forward to the next one- you always put a smile on my face! ]

I decided to close out after, or else my heart might have crawled out of my throat and flopped on the keyboard, adding some unnecessarycomments.

I looked around at my room. Or my mess, rather.

Three hours, two piles of laundry, and one chapter of History later, I laid back on my bed, exhausted. I contemplated checking MySpace. Pulling out my phone, I nervously tapped the app.

No response.

However, he had posted something else. About some bug in his room. Frustrated, I muttered, "Fuck it, I'll make him notice me."

I hearted it and responded, Oh no, kill it! Dx

Almost immediately, I'm TRYING DDD:

I exited the app once more and laid back on my bed. I practically blacked out, drowning in thoughts. The kind that take no definite shape or form or sound, but fill your head so you can't really think of much else. The only things I could focus on were Phil and his cards and his prediction. Those things yelled at me in my brain. Time seemed not to pass at all.

I don't know when I went to sleep, or if I did, but I found myself on top of my covers the next morning.

"Rise and shine, sleepy Dan!" Mum's voice chirped outside my room. Rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I groggily sat up. I still had my shoes on and Muse was coming from my phone. I turned the music off. Luckily, the Dan I was last night had thought to plug my phone in.

All of my comments the next few months were drowned in the sea of other comments as Phil gradually gained more and more followers. I completed third year and decided on a whim to create a Twitter. More leverage for him to notice me, right?

I riddled every video, every tweet, every update, everything I could get my hands on with likes and responses and everything I could think of.

I tried coming off as friendly, charming, and conversational.

In the meantime of getting AmazingPhil to notice me, I got another summer job. I tried spending more time with Mum. The first week out of school, she took me shopping for "summer clothes", so I wouldn't look like a "cold elderly woman".

"Dan, do we have to go in this store?" Mum looked around awkwardly inside the dimly lit store, filled with, I'll admit, some pretty scary-looking people.

"Mum, if you want me to wear t-shirts for the summer-"

"I know, I know; Only Hot Topic has things you like. But, Dan, we could go-" She pointed across the stretch of the mall to another posher-looking store. "Look, HM, they even have light flannels. It just looks, nicer, Dan."

I sighed, staring at the bright red sign. I gave in, knowing that she wouldn't let up. It didn't look too bad. "Fine, but can I at least get a new t-shirt from here, too?" She nodded.

By the end of the day, I had two new flannels, a black t-shirt, a Pikachu t-shirt, and two new pairs of black skinny jeans. Bless Mum.

Phil wore a lot of flannels. On the way home I tried to think of every flannel he had.

I realized Mum was trying to talk to me when we reached our drive, and I snapped myself out of it.

Turning to me, she asked, "Dan, how's the Philip guy? You don't seem to watch as many videos this summer." I suddenly felt very uncomfortable.

"I just- I feel better this summer, Mum. I don't need distractions, now." I shrugged and reached for the door.

She cut me off, "Distractions from going to Uni?"

I nodded, "Yeah, Mum. Something like that."

I carried my bags inside.

June 2nd, I got a notification that shook me up.

AmazingPhil responded to one of my responses.

I had said I also loved Muse, and he responded.

My hands shook, barely holding my phone.

xD We really seem to have a lot in common, you should message me sometime -

Was this it? Was I finally going to meet AmazingPhil, in some aspect? In any aspect at all? I sat at my desk, contemplating how soon I should message.

Hell, I've waited two years for this moment. Who cares how desperate I look? I am desperate.

Quickly I typed:

Dan: Hi! I'm Dan! I've been a subscriber for two years now and I think you're really cool - And I'd love to be your friend!

I stared. That sounded so stupid, but I couldn't take it back now. Almost instantly, my phone dinged.

Phil: Wow thanks, Dan! I'm Phil and I'd love to be your friend, too! What's your opinion on lions? xD

Dan: I like lions but you know what's way cooler??? :D

Phil: Cooler than lions? Nothing. :p

I giggled. Audibly. Oh my God, he was more adorable and dorky than in his videos. I could feel my nervousness fade and my hands stopped shaking.

Dan: Well, llamas are cooler so that's a lie

Phil: are not you're lying

Dan: meet me in the pit xD

Phil: I'll meet you on skype!! Wanna move this convo there? I like making friends face-to-face, you know? -

My heart leaped. I looked down at my dirty Pikachu t-shirt.

Dan: uhhh wow sure, let me change. Pikachu is looking kind of shabby right now.

Phil: ... is that an innuendo, dan?

Dan: OH GOD NO phil sorry Pikachu is on my shirt xD

Phil: xD Oh ok

I quickly changed into my black t-shirt and put some pants on. I pulled my laptop into bed with me, holding a pillow to hide my very obvious thrilled smile. It took almost a minute for him to answer, but when he did, it was like my entire torso bend inside itself. I just stared; I could feel my face turn red.

Phil laughed, a beautiful, loud laugh. AmazingPhil, my favorite YouTuber, my favorite person on earth, was on Skype with me, laughing a beautiful, loud laugh. "You look so cute and shy, oh my God! Don't be, I don't bite!" He kept laughing, covering his mouth.

"I'm not cute," I mumbled. He stifled himself to a giggle.

"Sorry," He cleared his throat, "So, you like Pokémon?"

I smiled again, not removing the pillow, scared for him to see. "Yea..."

"Since when?"

I moved the pillow a bit, so I could talk easier. I told him all about my childhood obsession with Pokémon. He told me about his, and we compared childhood stories.

We kept it on and on and on about everything we liked, most of the same things, for what seemed like only a few minutes, but when I looked at the time it had been several hours. I didn't bring it up. I could go to work sleepy. I didn't want it to end. Or, if this was a dream, I didn't want to wake up.

I fully removed the pillow from my face, finally, and he told me, a bit later, "I wasn't going to say anything at first, so you wouldn't put it back, but I'm glad you moved the pillow. You have a great smile, Dan."

I stopped in my tracks. My mouth hung open a moment, unsure of what to say before I stuttered, "Th-thank you. Yours is really good, too." I smiled, and he smiled back, and my heart fluttered.

"Have you ever thought of vlogging?" He stared with huge blue eyes, expectant.

"I mean, I've thought about it. I just- I don't think I'd be very good. I'm not funny or charming. My life is just, boring."

"I'm sure it's not, Dan!" He smiled, "Life isn't boring. I'm sure someone as cool as you has a very not-boring life."

I shrugged, smiling, and he changed subjects.

"You know who else isn't boring?" He made a goofy face, jutting his chin out.

I laughed, "Who?"

"My new best friend! You know who that is?"

My heart fluttered again. Calm down, Dan. I'm sure it's something silly. "Who's that?"

"Dan Howell!" He whisper yelled.

I smiled broadly. "We just met, Phil."

"I know, but I'm good at reading people." He smiled and picked up Lion. He had introduced us earlier.

I laughed and just watched him talk about how this one time he felt like on teacher was going to be a huge jerk, and he was right.

He amazed me. He was him; he wasn't nervous. He was just being himself. He knew that if I didn't like him that was that.

I wonder if he knew how much I wanted him to like me.

We spent that whole night talking; I went to work the next day without a minute of sleep.

He didn't message me that night. Or the next. Or the next.

On Friday my phone finally dinged, and I jumped on it like a desperate teen. (Can I use that as a simile if it's true?)

Phil: Hey m8, skype again?

I stared, wondering what to reply. I didn't really have any justification to be angry. Or hurt. Both emotions, however, twanged in my chest. I decided to shake them off and agree.

Once he answered, he immediately started rambling.

"Dan! I am so sorry I haven't messaged or anything; it's not like I haven't wanted to! I have, really badly, and I almost did like ten times, but I was moving back into my parent's, and I was super tired by the end of each day, and I couldn't stay up that late again, I had to save my energy for unpacking and stuff, you know? I knew we would get no sleep if I did text again, and I'm really, really sorry, Dan." He stopped, waiting for a response. His mouth pressed close like if he opened it, more apologies would spill out. His blue eyes widened and his eyebrows knitted when I didn't respond immediately as if he would start crying.

I smiled slightly, letting him know I wasn't angry. "Phil, it's ok. You have no reason to be sorry at all."

Phil smiled slightly and looked down at his lap. "Yeah, naturally. I was just a little worried you thought I was ignoring you or something. Or didn't like you."

I realized I hadn't texted him all week either. His face was, strange. Like the smile was fake. "Oh God, Phil, no. I was sad, honestly. And I'm sorry, too. I wanted to text, too, but I was worried you were busy. I didn't want to bother you. Damn, you're- you're AmazingPhil."

He looked up, smiling his real smile. His beautiful, real smile. "Yeah, I am. I forgot." His face got worried again, "Don't let that intimidate you anymore, okay, Dan?"

I nodded, and he laughed. "How'd the moving go, then, Phil?"

And he was off, once again, telling me some crazy story about finding a wasp nest in his old room and how his dad had almost died, but not really.

While he was talking, I studied him. His arms usually stayed pinned at his sides, unless he was excited, then they would flail erratically. His eyes were not completely blue like I thought before, but they had flecks of green, and gold erupted from the pupil. When he laughed, he tilted his head back, just a bit, and his Adam's apple showed more prominently. His smile; it was so wide, it seemed to stretch from one corner of his face to the other, and one of his front teeth overlapped the other slightly.

There was charm and vibrancy erupting from every crinkle of his eyes when he smiled and every echo of his voice when he spoke. I saw the fire I had seen when I first found him, and it all of a sudden made me quickly aware of what I lacked. Yet, I couldn't tear myself away from enjoying every aspect that created Phil.

"Dan?" He giggled, "Do you not believe me? Is that why you're staring like that? I can show you my dad's stings to prove it."

"I do believe you! That won't be necessary, but thanks for the offer." We laughed together. It felt like he was right there with me.

We developed something that resembled a routine. Every Friday and Saturday night that I didn't have to work the next day, we stayed up talking almost all night. Occasionally, however, I didn't tell him I had work and would go in the next day happily, with an hour of sleep. We texted as much as we could, while he searched for a part-time job.

He found one starting the first week of August. I had the last week of July off left before I started my final year of high school. That week I got almost no sleep at all, and I heard Mum's constant complaining through the door. I promised her once the week was up, I was all her's. Phil stifled giggles in the background.

"Can I at least meet this friend you've been spending so much time with, Daniel?" She opened my door a crack. Phil continued to try to keep from giggling.

"Uhhh... Yeah, I guess so, Mum." She came in and bent over my bed, accidentally sticking her whole forehead in my webcam.

"Lovely head you have, Mrs. Howell." Phil laughed.

"Oh, my apologies!" She backed off a tad, trying to pull Phil's name from her obvious memory of him. "Why, Dan, this is that YouTuber you like so much, isn't it?" She smiled at me.

"AmazingPhil, ma'am. Yes, that's me!" He stuck his hand out as if to shake hers.

"Very nice to meet you, AmazingPhil. I'm Dan's mum." They pretended to shake hands through the screen. I smiled, watching Phil. Mum sat on my bed beside me, and they made idle small talk. She asked where he had gone to uni, where he was from, what he had majored in, where he worked now, all the usual.

I eventually hinted around at her to leaving. Then she hit me with a curveball.

"So, Philip, do you have a girlfriend? I'm sure she's missing you, you're spending so much time talking to my son." She said it like she knew the answer and like she expected him to do something like fess up to murdering puppies.

"Not right now, ma'am. I just recently broke up with my girlfriend, and Dan's luckily taking my mind off of it. It was a nasty break-up. I don't expect to date again for a while." She nodded.

She finally bid us farewell, nice meeting you, very interesting young man, all of that.

"Phil, you didn't tell me that."

"Tell you what?" He took a sip of tea, absentmindedly.

"That you just went through a break-up."

He laughed, "Oh, that. I didn't. Your mom, she's... not very accepting of gays, is she?"

I cocked my head. "No, not really."

"I just said that so she wouldn't expect anything." I opened my mouth to complain, but he cut me off. "Not that there's anything to expect! I just- I think the way we spend so much time together would reasonably give her the wrong idea. I was just making sure."

I nodded. "You're smart." He shrugged, smiling.

School started back again. Our routine of staying up on the weekends continued, except our conversations slowly morphed from "getting to know you" talk to deeper things. Our fears, our hopes, our unanswered questions.

He was unafraid of the future. He was excited where I was terrified, and vice versa. I didn't worry much about the present. I didn't worry about exams or people, where all he wanted at this moment was to be successful and well-liked.

We both didn't understand math or why white lies existed. We made a pinkie promise through the screen to never do math or tell each other white lies.

We each wanted a family and a cottage in the country.

He liked bright things, I already knew, but on October 9th, 2009 at 11:36pm, Phil Lester admitted I was the brightest thing he had ever known.

I stared at him through the screen at first before I decided to tell him how much he really meant to me.

"Phil, I found you at- at a dark time in my life. And you lit up my world. I was dying, Phil. You gave me life. You're the brightest thing I've ever known." I didn't have to reach up to know tears were streaming down my face. He had a hand over his mouth.

I described to him the months I spent in my room, questioning my existence, wondering why I was here, when Time would finally take me. I explained then I was no longer scared to cross the road in heavy traffic, why I didn't hesitate to step under ladders, to drive across old, wooden bridges. Small things no one noticed but all deeply resonated with me now.

I spilled it all, how I felt hopeless, how I found him, how the fuzziness went away, how everything seemed clearer, and I couldn't stop crying hysterically, growing louder as I went on. Tears started slipping down his face, too, and he used both hands to cover his mouth as he silently wept.

He was crying for me, for what I felt and that thought made me all the more emotional.

We both cried together for several minutes before I could compose myself again ."Phil, do you remember reading your future-"

"Yes, Dan." He nodded quickly, wiping tears from his eyes, and ran his hand under his nose. "I think about it all the time." He smiled a watery smile.

"Phil, that video made everything go away. All the destructive thoughts. I still have my doubts, of course, but that video. Hearing you predict meeting someone; God, Phil, that gave everything purpose. I wanted to be that person. I swore I was going to be that person." I sniffed and rubbed my nose. I felt better.

I saw tears building up in his eyes again. "Dan, that video gave me hope, too." I cocked my head, confused. "Dan, last year, about halfway through my last year of uni, I lost a close friend. Meeting you- that filled that empty hole again, and so much more. You're a huge part of my life now, and I can't imagine living without you."

That was all he told me about his friend, no name, just that bit, but it provoked more tears.

Eventually, sobs turned to giggles. Satisfied giggles. We had filled in the gaps. I felt complete with him looking back at me with his face-splitting grin. I felt good. I felt great.

He finally spoke after a minute of silent staring and grinning. "Dan, please start vlogging. It will make you feel better, I promise."

I sat, contemplating for a brief moment. "Alright, Phil. I will. For you."

Oh, that smile of his.

The next Monday, after school, I recorded my first vlog. I spent the next few days trying as hard as I could with what resources I had to make it look as interesting and professional as possible. I wanted to upload it before visiting Phil in Manchester the next week so he could criticize face-to-face.

I didn't spend long deciding on a name. The first thought that came to my head was the key difference between Phil and myself. One of the only things we differed in. My most prominent feature.

danisnotonfire

I uploaded HELLO INTERNET. on the sixteenth. I boarded the train to Manchester the nineteenth.

Sometime the month before, Phil and I had found that his parents were going on vacation the same week my school had their autumn break. I immediately booked the train tickets, and I consulted with Mum after. She said it was fine, as long as I called once I got there, every night, and when I arrived back at the train station to leave.

I packed as many things I knew Phil would like as I could, cramming everything beside my clothes and other necessities. I ended up forgetting pajamas after I had finally won the fight to close my over-stuffed suitcase. I didn't sweat it; I could just borrow some of his. I carried my laptop in my messenger bag over my shoulder and walked to the train station.

I had barely gotten any sleep the night before, and I planned on sleeping on the three-hour train ride, but I found I again couldn't get my eyes to close or my hand to stop nervously tapping the arm rest.

The three hours went by gruesomely this way. I was tired and miserable, but nervous and excited all at the same time, and I couldn't find a way to enjoy one minute of it. I spent the ride eyes closed, leaning my head against the window, and tapping violently.

My eyes were still closed when I felt the train start slowing down and the brakes screeched in their agony to stop the thing. My eyes snapped open, attempting to find anything yellow and black and checkered, as that's what Phil said he'd be wearing.

I couldn't see him, but the train halted so I decided it would be best to continue my search on foot. I rushed off the train, admittedly pushing and jostling a few people and stopped a few feet from the train, and I looked around at the overcrowded station.

My eyes scanned the long benches that stretched ten feet in front of me, but they seemed to only be holding elderly and mothers and a few others that weren't Phil. I looked to the left, towards the doors that led inside the station. I caught a glimpse of yellow within the crowd somewhere, and I started speedwalking that way, pulling my suitcase behind me and protectively shielding my laptop under my arm from the people shoving past.

Suddenly, I caught a glimpse of Phil's face, idly making his way through people. Our eyes made contact, and I saw his mouth drop open. His eyes were even more piercing and blue from twenty feet away then they were on a screen.

The crowd was thankfully thinning out, passengers finally boarding the train, as we stood there a moment, both trying to wrap our heads around this. We were here. He was here. Right here. I could touch him. I could hug him.

"Dan!" He practically screamed across the concrete. It was loud, and people stared, I could tell, but I didn't care.

I just dropped my messenger bag and let go of my suitcase. I ran to close the gap between us and jumped up to throw my arms around him. He caught me, burying his head in between my shoulder and neck.

I was here. With Phil. I could feel his arms squeeze around my torso and his warm skin beneath his clothes. I could feel his breath hit my back as he laughed, joyful and loud. His dark hair brushed my face as I tried to get closer. He smelled of cinnamon.

Finally, after several minutes of bone-crushing hugging and relieved giggles, he released me. I dropped to the ground, my feet hitting the concrete. I was brutally aware of my surroundings again.

"My laptop!" He laughed as I turned quickly to pick my messenger bag up where I had dropped it, twenty feet away.

I collected my things and my bearings, and I turned back to face him. Seeing him standing there made me want to wrap my arms around him again and squeeze twice as tight, but I managed to resist the urge.

I jogged back to meet him. Looking up, I realized he was taller than I had imagined him. I was pretty tall myself, but he was huge compared to me. "Phil," was all I could manage to get out.

"Dan," He chuckled, "is your laptop okay?" He reached for my bag and looked inside. "All good. Let's go before we miss the bus."

We walked happily to the bus stop together and happily home after the bus ride. The whole time we said nothing. We just sat and enjoyed each other's presence and walked and enjoyed each other's presence.

We got to his house around lunch time, so he sat me down at the kitchen table while he fixed peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

"Phil," I started, "I don't mean to be rude, but..."

"Yes, Dan?" He paused in unscrewing the peanut butter jar and turned to look at me.

"Your house is really creepy." He laughed.

"I know. I think it was built on graveyard or something." He continued with the sandwich making as I looked around.

I felt at home, so I took the liberty of standing up and walking around the kitchen. We had taken our shoes off at the front door, so I skated around the kitchen linoleum with sock feet and bumped into Phil, trying to get his attention.

"Dan, stop!" He giggled, "You'll make me spread the jelly all wrong!" He swatted at me in a shooing motion so I shooed.

I walked into the living room, stopping in the middle to dig my toes into the carpet and survey my surroundings. The walls were lined with old-fashioned, striped, dark green wallpaper. A few pictures of baby Phil and his brother were hung on the walls. There was a very wide open space in the middle of the room, as there were very few pieces of furniture.

A flowery couch was pushed against the wall, facing the kitchen, and a box television was sitting in an old-fashioned television cabinet. A DVD player sat on top of it, so I assumed there were movies behind the cabinet doors on either side. There was a huge recliner behind me facing the television, so I plopped backwards.

"Come back, Dan, I've finished the sandwiches." Phil looked at me from the kitchen with puppy dog eyes.

I laughed and sauntered back to meet him.

After several minutes of thoughtful chewing, he got up and poured us glasses of milk.

After several more minutes, I spoke.

"Good sandwich," I smiled.

"Thank you, Dan." He smiled back.

"I like how you do that. You use my name so often. No one's ever done that before."

He took a sip before answering. "I like your name. It suits you, I think. Although, I've never known anyone else named Dan, so I suppose I don't have any other impression of it."

"Thank you."

"So," he started once he finished eating, "I was thinking, I can give you a haunted tour of the house! Then, we look at your video, not like I haven't watched it one thousand times," I blushed. "and then, we make our own video!" He smiled, "and then, we can order pizza! Then, we can build a fort in the living room and watch My Neighbor Totoro and Pokémon and anything you might want to watch until it's time to go to bed." He smiled triumphantly about his plan.

I nodded. "That sounds great, Phil."

He grabbed my hand, or my wrist rather, yanking me out of my chair and pulled me along behind him. We walked past the living room into a door that opened onto a creaky-looking, dark staircase. He let me go to flip a switch. It illuminated, and to be quite honest, it didn't look much better in the light. "Haunted staircase!" He grabbed my wrist and pulled me up. Each stair groaned.

Past the door at the top of the staircase was a sitting room, with another couch and recliner. A bookcase was pushed against the wall, and there was a floor lamp over the chair. A curtainless window lit the room. "Haunted study!" He turned to face me and went, "WoOoOh!"

I laugh, "What was that?"

"My scary ghost noises." He pulled me farther into the house, through what he called a "Haunted hallway!" and showed me his parent's bedroom.

"Look at this creepy doll!" He pointed at it for a second before pulling me across the hall to a "Haunted bathroom!" He pushed me back out again and towards a door at the very end of the hall. He opened it and led me inside.

It was his room. A window was behind where his camera sat, but it was lined with heavy curtains. His duvet was messy, blue and green checked, and beside his bed was a dresser. The room was small, barely enough to fit his bed.

"Here it is! The only not-haunted place in the house!" He unhanded my wrist and plopped on the floor beside his bed. He patted next to him before realizing there wasn't much room. He got up and moved the camera to face his bed long ways, sitting it on a stack of books.

He plopped down again, and I sat next to him. "It's recording; what do you have to say, Daniel?" He acted like he was holding a microphone and held it up to my face.

"Uhh," I gulped. "I'm glad I'm here." He laughed.

"Be excited, Dan, give the people what they want!"

We recorded the video, and by the end, I had cat whiskers on my face, and my chest ached from laughing so much. Phil was fun and silly. And he brought out the best in me.

Phil told me to end the video on a high note, so I stared into the camera.

"This was the most fun I ever had." He turned and tackled me to the floor in a hug. He had me pinned, and he just rested his head on my chest for a couple moments before looking up at me, giggling.

"This was the most fun I've ever had, too, Dan." He smiled, and I couldn't resist the urge to place my hand on his head, holding him to me, and I laid my head back.

A couple moments passed before he got up. I stayed down for a moment, eyes closed, heart thumping out of my chest, wondering what on earth just happened. Or why it happened. Or how I felt about it.

I sat back up, face flushed, and brushed my hair out of my eyes.

"I'll edit that part out. Let's do something else."

We held up heart hands instead and bid the camera ado.

We stopped recording, but the thought of Phil's face so close to my heart, holding him, remained in my head.

I thought about it when we went back downstairs and sat on the couch pressed together, legs and arms touching, as we watched my first video on my laptop.

I thought about it as he was talking, giving me a review of how I could make editing easier and look better.

I couldn't help but picture his head on my chest again as I watched his mouth move as he ordered pizza.

I didn't know how I felt, but I didn't know how to ask him how I should feel.

I finally forgot about it once the pizza arrived, and we were sitting at the table once more, eating and laughing and talking like normal.

After pizza, I decided to unpack. Pulling stuffed animals, board games, and trinkets out of my suitcase onto his bedroom floor, I remembered I had forgotten to pack pajamas. I looked at Phil, who was sitting on his bed. I underestimated his size; his pajamas probably wouldn't fit me.

"What is it, Dan?"

"I forgot pjs." I said quietly.

He smiled and crossed to his dresser. "That's fine. You can borrow some of mine." He opened the doors and pulled a drawer open. He pulled out a pair of really long, red flannel pants and a black t-shirt. He turned and threw them on my head, disorienting me. I was blind-sided as I felt his hands attempting to tickle my stomach.

I giggled, my torso clenching, "No! Stop!" I laughed uncontrollably, laying back on the floor, trying to push him off. The pajamas blocked my view, but my hands searched for his sides to counterattack.

Finally, I found his stomach, warm and soft, under his shirt. I was distracted for a moment by how nice it was to be here, to be able to touch him. After a moment, I realized he had stopped, and I was just sitting there, my hands on his stomach and pajamas over my head.

I pulled the pjs off to see his smiling face, inches from mine. His hands were on either side of my shoulders. "I win!" He shouted before getting up and dancing the Macarena. I lifted myself up onto my elbows, laughing and watching him. My chest swelled with love for this crazy boy.

"I'm going to go change." I got up and went to the bathroom.

I leaned against the door once I closed it, imagining Phil's face inches from mine again. I changed and looked in the full-length mirror. My feet were completely swallowed by the pants and the shirt hung loosely over my torso. I smiled. They smelled like him. I smelled like him.

"Dan!" I heard a knock at the door. "You're not doing anything bad in there, are you?"

I opened the door, and Phil laughed. "Oh my God, you look like a munchkin!" I swatted his shoulder.

We spent the rest of the night building a fort in the floor in the living room out of blankets and pillows. We lined the floor under the blanket canopy with pillows and our stuffed animals. We made sure to leave enough open to see the television.

I remembered I had to call Mum. I sat at the kitchen table and did just that while he was putting in My Neighbor Totoro and making popcorn. I told her what all we had done so far, and we said good night.

Phil and I laid on our stomachs in our fort to "watch" the movie.

"Watch". We spent most of the time throwing popcorn at each other and tickle fighting. Once the movie was over, he went upstairs to get ready for bed. He brought down his duvet and two pillows.

"I think it would be better if we slept in here. There's more room." I turned on my back to watch him. He started putting the pillows down, making me move my head so he could put a pillow under it, and was about to throw the duvet over me before I interjected.

"Sleep? Phil, you don't sleep at sleepovers."

He laughed and the duvet floated down over my body. "We have a long day tomorrow. We need sleep."

I huffed, and he turned off the light and nestled under the duvet beside me. He turned to face me suddenly like he realized something. "Is this okay or do you want to move to the couch? Or have me move to the couch?"

His face was just inches from mine, and I could feel his warmth right next to my body. "No, this is good. Plus, the house is haunted. I need to stay here to protect you."

He giggled and turned back over. "Good night, Dan."

"Good night, Phil." I closed my eyes, thinking of the day's events. "Phil?"

"Yes, Dan?"

"Remember when you said I was your new best friend, like, the first time we talked?"

I felt him turn to look at me. "Yes, Dan."

"You're my best friend, too, Phil." I saw his grin flash before he turned back over.

The next day, we spent out on the town. We went to the Manchester Art Gallery first, and he insisted on taking pictures of me in front of every exhibit.

After, we went home for lunch, then went to the Manchester Arndale, the biggest mall I'd ever seen in my entire life. It had a huge glass front and two stories. He took me to Hot Topic and insisted on buying me a Totoro keychain.

We wandered and went into every store that sparked my interest. We had dinner in the food court. I wanted pizza again, so we had pizza.

We slept in the fort again. I'm not entirely sure, but I think I saw the light of Phil's phone under the duvet.

"Phil," I mumbled, "What are you looking at?"

The light went off. "What are you talking about, Dan? Go to sleep."

I did, easily.

The next morning, I woke to Phil facing me. He was still asleep, so I tried my best not to move. His breath was soft against mine, and his hair looked so soft up close. I reached out, brushing it away from his eyes. My hand gently brushed his skin.

He was so pale and warm and beautiful.

Dan, what the hell.

A few minutes later, he started shifting, waking up. I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep.

He got up and I heard him start cracking eggs. "Dan, wake up!"

I got up, and we had omelettes for breakfast. We decided it would be the best if we stayed insince it was our last day together. Phil's parents were coming home tomorrow, and I had to leave at one. It was nine now.

We sat, squished together, on the over-sized recliner, watching Pokémon, yelling at Ash, and making small talk.

Every once in a while, Phil would get up and yell about seeing a ghost. Then, he'd fall back in the recliner and we'd giggle together.

It was nearing twelve when he turned to thank me for coming and I turned at the same time and our noses touched.

His ocean blue eyes were close enough to drown me.

He cleared his throat, "Sorry, I was just going to say I'm really glad you came."

I packed up, he took me to the train station, and I went home.

But not before another bone-crushing hug.

He posted phil is not on fire the twenty-fifth. He didn't edit out the hug.

We tried to keep up our routine of Skyping as best we could the rest of the month, mainly to discuss when we would meet again, but we didn't Skype as much as usual. I stopped initiating things; I left most things up to him.

It wasn't because I was uninterested. I was... busy.

Damn it, no, I was scared. I was scared of what I felt for him. I wanted to distance myself, just a little. I wanted to be his best friend in the entire world, God knows, but that's it. I was scared I was going to drown in those ocean eyes and never be able to face anyone ever again. I didn't want to disappoint Mum. I didn't want it to be that way.

We Skyped the night before Halloween. We discussed the costumes we were planning on wearing for the Halloween Gathering of YouTubers in London the next day.

He was going to wear cat ears and asked if I could draw whiskers on his face. He smiled widely. I knew he was doing it for me.

I complied.

The next day, we both arrived, as planned, at three in Waterloo. They were holding the event at something like a park. It was a huge expanse of grass, and there was a carousel on the far end.

I paused and took in my surroundings. A lot of people. Some were already dressed in costume, some were not. I was not.

Phil somehow materialized beside me.

"You haven't seen danisnotonfire anywhere, have you? He's my best friend."

"I do think I saw him go that way, sir." I pointed toward the carousel and took off running. He laughed, caught up to me, as I knew he would, and wrapped his arms around my middle, pulling me back and lifting me up.

"I missed you!" He swung me around and sat me back down.

I turned and gave him a hug. "I missed you, too!" No matter how scared I was, I couldn't keep my face from smiling and my heart from filling. God, I had missed him.

We followed the crowd of people who were making their way through the streets of London.

I couldn't help but marvel at the huge buildings and quaint shops. Phil pointed out every restaurant he saw.

"I'm sorry, but I'm starving. I didn't eat lunch."

I barely heard him, as I was distracted by a game store. "It's no problem. Hey, Phil, wouldn't it be great to live here someday? Right in the city, in a flat or something."

I could hear a smile in his voice. "I'd love that."

We finally got to the meeting point. A man holding a ghost plush in the air on a broomstick told us to go eat, then meet back in the grassy area at four thirty for the party.

Phil and I decided on a hamburger place.

He spent the whole meal, after claiming he was hungry, telling me about his new part-time job as a clerk for some hair salon. He barely finished his meal before I had to rush him out. I loved it.

On our way back to the Gathering, we passed a Starbucks.

"Oh, pleeeease, Dan? I love Starbucks!" I frowned, checking the time on my phone. I knew that if I didn't give in, we would spend more time hassling over it than walking.

"Fine, fine. We can just change in their restroom, I suppose." He grinned and grabbed my wrist, pulling me inside.

"One tall caramel macchiato, please."

Phil tugged on my sleeve, and whispered in my ear, "That's my favorite."

I turned and smiled at him. "That's my favorite, too." I turned back to the barista. "Two, actually."

I paid, and, while waiting for our order, we slipped into the restroom to change. I slid my fur on over my clothes, and Phil simply put on cat ears.

I laughed, "God, Phil, that is so anticlimactic."

He laughed, too. "It's not if you draw the whiskers!" He handed me a sharpie, and I complied.

"Here, I brought my mum's brown eyeliner. Make me look like a bear." I slid it out of my pocket and handed it to him.

"Dan, did you steal this?" He mocked a gasp.

"Hush and put it on!" I felt him put polka dots all over my face with it. He tilted his head back, so he could see, and I could feel his breath hit my face. I couldn't take my eyes off his.

He stepped back "There, I hope that looks like a bear."

I looked in the mirror. "It looks great, thanks!" We smiled at each other a moment before I heard our names called out.

We took our caramel macchiatos and rushed back. Luckily, we ran into a crowd that was headed that way, too.

The area was bursting with people. Phil smiled and waved at everyone he knew, and I hung back behind him, a bit shy to meet anyone. He introduced me to a few, but their names altogether escaped me by the end of the night.

The music and drinks, none of which I partook of, probably went on until the wee hours of the morning.

Phil and I visited and talked and he introduced me , then we'd move on to the next crowd.

Right before I had to leave, I found myself sitting on a bench near the carousel, talking to a few people Phil had introduced me to.

A boy sat on my lap, and I tried to ignore him, as I was pretty sure he was one of Phil's friends, but it bothered me a bit. I wasn't sure why, he wasn't being inappropriate, but I felt uncomfortable because Phil was off somewhere, trying to find me a water.

I tried to continue listening to the girl who had the floor, she was telling everyone whatever software she used, but I couldn't help but yearn for Phil to be there, with my water and the face that told me it was time to go home. He wasn't going to stay after I left; he said he would feel bad.

I heard a voice yell, and the girl stopped talking and turned to see where the noise came from. It was Phil. He had a bottled water in each hand and was pointing at the boy in my lap.

"That's my bear you're sitting on."

Everyone laughed. He had said it in a joking manner, so the boy pretended to cower away, off my lap, but I couldn't stop my face from turning red.

He waved me to come with him. "Time to go, I'm afraid."

We didn't Skype at all the whole next week, as I had an exam, but when I came home on Friday, Phil answered the door before I had a chance to fish out my house key.

"Hi, son!" He said in a low voice, before hugging me. It was brief. Much shorter than I wanted. But I knew why; I could see Mum sitting on the couch behind him. "I had the day off today, and I contacted your mum and she said it would be okay if I spent the weekend with you!" He frowned, tugging me inside. "Come in, will you. Plus, I have a great idea for a video!"

I laughed, setting my things down beside the couch and kicking my shoes off. Leading him to my room, I asked, "Alright, what is it?" We sat down, side by side on my bed.

"Don't freak out, but it involves tying me up." I bolted up from my bed.

"What do you mean, don't freak out, but also, BDSM, Dan!" I shoved my hands in his face like I was giving him a tray. He lost it. By the time he recovered, I was laying on my bed on my phone, pretending I was ignoring him.

"Hear me out, okay? How to get your favorite YouTuber to notice you."

I put my phone down and looked at him. "That's an idea I could get behind."

I told Mum to not bother us, as we were recording a video. This was after I had fetched some Duct tape and rope from the garage, so I have to admit she gave me a suspicious look, but she agreed.

I researched some knots, managed to get Phil to stop giggling so I could tape his mouth shut, and recorded the video. I had to admit, I was excited about how the video was going to turn out.

After I finished, I shut off the camera, turned the light off, and left the room, closing the door behind me. "Okay, Mum, we're finished. You can turn your soaps up again." I could hear Phil's muffled yelling, and decided to give in. I opened the door again and turned on the light. He had managed to make it right in front of the door. I freed him, laughing.

We spent the rest of the night trading out bass and guitar in Rockband and finally went to bed at midnight.

We both slept in my bed, and I kept pretending to sleep just so I could catch him off guard to start more rounds of tickle fighting.

I don't know when we finally went to sleep.

We mainly hung out around my house all weekend, eating all the crisps and playing video games. I took him to the local park on Sunday right before he had to leave.

We swung together on the swingset and had another deep talk like we do late nights. I admitted to constantly wondering why we're here.

"It's to love, Dan. To love people. To build relationships and make the world a better place."

"Then why is everything so bad, Phil? Why should we exist if it's all going to be so bad?" I frowned.

He took a second to think it over. "Life is a beautiful thing, Dan, even with all the hardships in the world. We still have each other."

I stopped swinging and gazed over at him. He was soaring, back and forth. I could practically see the fire trailing behind him. He looked over at me and laughed, his hair whipping all around his face.

I could feel the spark ignite inside my chest.

Phil and I spent almost the entirety of the holidays together. I visited Manchester December 10 for a family reunion, and he introduced me to all of his family. Most asked if I had a girlfriend.

We came back to my place the thirteenth. I finally had someone to spend the long train ride with. We giggled most of the time and generally annoyed everyone sitting around us.

We spent the day with my family, and he helped decorate our tree. My dad and brother liked him a lot, and found it really amusing when he froze up anytime they asked a question about sports.

He had to go home the next day, but not before I walked him to the station, and he gave me a trademark bone-crushing hug. He still smelled of cinnamon, only, this time, it was more appropriate.

We Skyped the nineteenth, and Phil insisted I come over as soon as possible to help him film "AmazingPhil's AmazingVideoIdea!"

I consulted with Mum, and she agreed as long as I was home before Christmas.

I left the morning of the twenty-second. It had started snowing heavily, but the brunt of the snow had not hit Wokingham yet. Halfway there, I got a text from Phil.

Phil: there's a blizzard, but i'm going to try and make it to you anyways!! I'm driving, wish me luck! x_x

My heart sped up a little, but I reassured myself. He'll be fine, Dan, calm down.

Dan: Be safe! ):

He was at the train station, thank God, but getting to his house was another whole ordeal. The snow had picked up a good bit, but we crossed our fingers and pushed through it. About a mile away, we were almost to a halt. I considered getting out to push.

"Here, Dan, you get on this side and steer. I'll push."

And he did.

We made it past the bank of snow, and he took the wheel again.

We started filming almost immediately upon arrival. He explained the plot to me already, so I just jumped in. Once he decided enough had been done for the day, he dragged me outside.

It was getting late. The clouds had moved past, and the sun was visible, getting closer to the horizon.

"It's so pretty, I think we should take a walk." He smiled, looking at the sky, and started off down the road.

"Where, Phil?" I followed.

"Everywhere!" He threw his arms into the air.

I giggled and caught up with him, burying my hands into my pockets. We walked slowly, admiring the snow-covered landscape until we reached a hill. At the top, I could see a swing, like the kind in movies, under a huge tree.

"That's my parents' favorite place to watch the sunset. Let's go." He grabbed my hand, gripping it tightly through his mittens and pulled me up the hill.

The sun just hit the horizon as it came into view. We sat on the swing together, arms and legs pressed against each other for warmth or nearness, one, and we watched the sunset, then the stars, and then the moon. The stars seemed to glimmer, like Phil's presence. I leaned my head on his shoulder, feeling his warmth through my hat. We didn't say anything. We just sat and enjoyed each other and the silence and the beauty of it all. We watched a star shoot across the sky, and I could almost sense his wish being made. I made mine.

I wish we could do this every night.

By the time we were satisfied, my nose felt hard as a rock and my feet were numb, but I didn't care. Sitting under the stars with Phil felt like a once in a lifetime opportunity. We stumbled down the hill on stump-like feet, laughing the whole way.

We did that the rest of the time I stayed. I'm surprised we didn't catch frostbite.

On New Year's Eve, we both caught a train to see the fireworks. This was the first New Year's I travelled without my family. It wasn't the first I had travelled alone without argument from my family.

We got coffee and sat in Starbucks, waiting for it to get dark. Once the sun started setting, Phil started getting more squirmy.

"Phil, what's wrong? You're not scared of fireworks are you?"

He looked out the window nervously a moment, before pulling out two slips of paper and smiling. "No, I just don't know how to tell my best friend I got us two tickets to the London Eye at midnight!"

My jaw dropped, "You're kidding!" I grabbed them and looked them over. "My family has been coming here ever since I can remember, and I've never gotten London Eye tickets to the show!" I lunged across the table and hugged him. He hugged back.

We boarded when it was five till. They have it run until midnight, then it stops and the fireworks begin. It was intimidating, going that high off the ground. My stomach sank to my knees, and my heart beat almost uncontrollably, mostly from excitement.

I held tightly onto Phil's arm, and he kept a hand on mine. The stars came into view once we got high enough and away from the smog, and they reminded me of sitting out and watching the stars with him only a week ago. Luckily, we were warm this time. Phil kept an eye on the time, and I kept an eye on him.

In the illumination of the city, under the stars, his pale skin looked all the brighter, and his ocean blue eyes sparkled. He smiled at me every time he caught me staring, and in those moments, I completely forgot where I was and why.

"Dan, it's time!" He grabbed my hand, holding it tightly, and we shouted the countdown together.

We stopped at the top, and the fireworks began.

"Happy New Year, Dan!" He hugged me so tightly, I could barely squeeze out a "Happy New Year!" back.

He held me away from his face to look me in the eyes.

I was drowning in him, yet I had never felt more on fire.


End file.
